I don´t know who I am and neither do I know who you are. There is nobody who can answer this question for us, and there is nobody in whom we can trust in this world. Not your friends, not your family - not even yourself.
Who am I? Who are you?
Who am I? Not the body, because it is decaying; not the mind, because the brain will decay with the body; not the personality nor the emotions, for these also will vanish with death.
Often I question myself, who am I? It feels like there is no me, like there are only fragments that I have taken from others, masks that I adapt to fit the person I'm with, because I am scared of rejection if I don't fit their personality. It is hard for me to be around multiple people, because then I don't know how to act. Shall i act in the way my mom knows me? Or shall I act in the way my uncle knows me? The thought pains me, it builds up so much fear, more fear than I can hold. And so i do not act, I do not talk, I do not move; I stop being. To exist is to be, to not exist is to not be. And so I stop existing. It feels good, it feels comfortable, but although I stop being my fear does not leave me.
I have realised, multiple times, how I do not have favourites. I have realized, on multiple occasions, that I do not have characters I identify with. It feels empty. I hear people talking, about the things they love, about the characters that represent them, and I can not talk with them. There is no thing that I love, that I can talk about. I am scared of rejection. I am scared they would think I am silly, I am childish, I am weird, I have no taste. And when faced with the question, 'What do you like [doing]?', cold sweat spreads over my body. My eyes dart, my mind goes blank. I do not know what to say. What do I like [doing]? Is there such a thing I could call my favorite? Sure, I have a favorite color, but one day I just decided that it would be. I like other colors too, althoigh purple is my favorite, there are a lot of hues of purple that I do not like. Although red or blue is not my favorite, there are many hues that are beautiful in my eye. And sure, green can be nice too, oh and orange too. Yellow not so much, it is like purple, there are many hues that spark my disdain. So can I really say that purple is my favourite? I don't know why it is my favourite, I don't know if it really makes me feel different seeing something in a pretty purple than in a pretty blue.
Although there are many series that I watched, many anime that I enjoyed, there is not a single one I can call my favorite. Death Note was amazing, and one of the first I watched. But Mirai Nikki was great too, as was Owari no Seraph and Demon Slayer. Free! is amazing too, and Toradora aswell. I could name many more for this list. So many peoples can anme characters they kin, but I couldn't name even just one. There is no character, not a single one in the 150+ shows i have watched, where i could say, they are like me! Sure there are characters that I can empathize a great deal with, but never could I say they resemble me. Mabye it is because I am too hung up on all the things that don't match. If there is just one thing that's different, then i am lying. I can not represent it as fact, that this character is similair to me, when there are things that don't match. I would be lying, and I hate doing that. And maybe you don't need to have a favorite, maybe it's alright to enjoy multiple different things on the same level, but there is not one thing in this world that I could talk about for longer than 10 Minutes.
Besides my fear. I could talk endlessly about it. In fact, I have - in my therapy sessions. Although, if i think about it, my therapist was talking more than I was, reading my mind, that's what it felt like. Even with people that have learned to interact with people like me, I can not let loose. My fear still holds me tight in it's grip. I am always talking with my fear, if I ask it answers, if I answer it asks. If I talk, it talks back. I have many conversations in my head, or even talking to myself out loud. I have talked at least ten times as much with my fear than with anybody else. And maybe that makes sense, since you spend way more time on your own, than with other people. Maybe that was an understatement, it could be hundred times at much or even thousand times as much. I am bad at guessing. But know, that I do not talk a lot. I can go an entire day with saying just five sentences. If it was possible, it could be less, but my mom demands answers. Or maybe she deserves answers, there was a time where I was surrounded by almost complete silence. One word answers, nodding or shaking my head to simple yes and no questions, heck even to more complex questions I would just shrug my shoulders, because I could not be bothered to talk. Or maybe I was too tired. Maybe I was too depressed. It cost so much energy to utilize my voice. Even now, my vocal cords start hurting quickly when I talk a lot. A lot means about five minutes. If I'm in bad shape and my fear is big, even single words hurt to say and my voice is hearably cracking.
Look at how much I have written now, just about my fear. And I am nowhere close to be done. But for now I shall stop talking. You know, it feels good to ramble like this. On the internet, on a website that I made myself. Or.. I guess, utilized F2U CSS code with some modyfying. I mean, I wrote the html myself, but the Java was also not made by me. If you want to know about the sources, well, if you're already here you probably know where to look. But just press ctrl + u.
I am wondering, if anyone will ever read this. Maybe it will just be me, building my website, hopefully improving it as I learn more about coding. My little diary, that feels like I am sharing with the world, but in reality it is just me. You know, I am imagining someone else, on the other end of the internet, looking at their screen and reading my text. Oh I am constantly doing this, wondering how someone would react if they could see my actions right now, if they could hear what I am talking about. Wondering if they would be proud of me, if they would feel disdain, if they would even care at all, if they would even notice. I can not stop, it's like an automatic scrips that rolls whenever I do something.
Oh well, I shall stop talking now. Although I would want to say a lot more, now that I have just started writing I can feel the words flowing out of my mind, but it is late and I have already taken my sleep medication. I will be half dead soon, and I should be ready to sleep before that.
-Signed, 27.02.2024 22:21
Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux linux Linux Linux Linux Linux linux linux Linux linux Linux Linux Linux LInux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux I need to stop consuming Linux content or I will be burned out by the time my notebook arrives. Like with coding. Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux linux linux linux linux linux Linux Linux Linux Linux LInuxu Once I start thinking about how I am pressing the keys, I start to mess up. Don't think, just do. Don't think, just do. Don't think, just do. Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Typing slower also helps. I wish not thinking and just doing was easier. Why do i always think. Why do I think and think and think and think adn think and think and think and think and think and think. I want to stop thinking and just do. Things. I want to do things. I don't know how, I want to do things. I just want to do things. Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux linux Linux Linux Linux Lniux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Typing with multiple fingers is hard. I am hungry. But there are people. There are people everywhere. Why are there people everywhere. I wish I could talk with those people. I want to talk with those people. But I am so exhausted. I'm so exhausted. I am so exhausted from everything. Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Lnux Linux Linux Lnux Linux Linux Linux Linux linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Liinux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux Linux I am hungry. I will go eat. I will just go eat now. Don't think, just do. Don't think, just do. Don't think, just do. Don#t think don't think don't think don't think don't think don't think. Just do, don't think. Just do it.
-Signed, 03.08.2024 19:16
It's new years eve, and here I am once again. My thoughts get shrouded by fear, once I give them any attention. I want to talk more about myself again, I have to talk more about myself again, because I am completely ailienating everything about me. I never talk aboout myself, because I am too scared. Because I hate myself too much. Every sign of me existing is too much to bear. Hearing my voice makes me want to never talk again. It's disgusting. I am disgusting. Even now, my actions are hinderd by fear. For such simple things, no one would pay any thought to these actions usually, but I do. I think about them again and again. Should I go to the living room now? Or wait another thirty minutes? What am I even supposed to do there? Is anyone even still there? Maybe everyone is already there? Maybe they knocked on my door, but I didn't hear it because of my headphones? I can't concentrate on my thoughts. I am still too focused on how my words will sound once I have written them down, if the grammar is correct. Won't they sound weird? Or cringe? Also why is my right hand typing so weirdly? My pinky rising up everytime I use characters from the bottom row, how weird that will look when I have to type in front of other people. They'll judge me for it. I am also still not entirely used to the english keyboard layout. I'm currently listening to U96' album Club Bizzare, for future reference. It has a good vibe, it fits my current mood. I found their song.. that has the same title as the album title, as I just noticed. I don't even know what exactly I want to express right now. I hope I will be able to leave my room easily after I have finished typing here. I also hope I will be writing more here in the future. But I don't know how often I will get to it, because using computers gives me quite some negative emotional flashbacks.. I know, it doesn't really sound like it makes sense, but it is what it is. ALthough, surprisingly right now I am not having any. How weird. Maybe because the weather was so awful today that I've already had plenty of those? Typing on a computer isn't worse than todays weather I guess. I also wanted to answer my friends messages before the new year, but I forgot. And wanted to do other things instead. Although I like listening to what she has to say. I heard sounds from the kitchen, even through the headphones, that scared me. Hopeflly our water works normally again, it gives me anxiety that the toilet suddenly won't flush anymore. I heard the kitchen door, so what does that mean? Did someone enter the kitchen? Or did they leave the kitchen? Are they cooking? Which means they'll spend more time in there. Maybe multiple people are sitting there, talking? Maybe the person went back to the living room, where everyone else could be sitting. Everyone else, besides me. Because I am sitting here, in my room, thinking all these thoughts. Just because I heard the kitchen door, how stupid. How creepy, they can do whatever they want, can't they? Without me trying to monitor everything that happens outside, so that I have the illusion of knowing exactly what the situation outside is like when I leave my room. Typing L's is so awkward.. also I think I heard the kitchen door aggain, which of course led me to take my headphones off again - to hear what is going on.. although I am literally talking about why I shouldn't do that right now. I just mistyped now as know, which reminds me of one time in seventh grade in english class, where I was reading out loud and pronounced the k in know.. because I didn't know it's silent until then. I was so embarassed, and sometimes I still randomly think about it, like I do now. My hands are warm, it reminded me to turn the heater off. I saw light coming from the living room, which means there definitely is someone there. I just can't stop thinking thoughts like this. Trying to control everything. But nothing is in my control. Not even I am in my control. No, my fear is in control of me. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
More sounds, I jsut can't stop, I can't stop listening.
I think I should go, try and go to the living room. Spend the new year with everyone else. It will go well, I know it will go well. But still, fear and doubts well up inside of me. I wonder how many positive experiences it will take, until I truly realise that everything will go well?
-Signed, 31.12.2024 23:30